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Common sense suggests that asking the right questions before getting married can make for a better union, but rarely is the other side of the coin examined. That could be because, by the time the prospect of divorce surfaces, spouses may already be in a stressful frame of mind, and in no mood for a game of 20 — or even 11 — questions.

That is a mistake, said Nancy Colier, a psychotherapist in Manhattan. Even if the ultimate decision is to dissolve the marriage, asking the right questions before contacting a lawyer or mediator, and perhaps with the assistance of a marriage counselor, may prove worthwhile. The New York Times asked some people well versed in the challenges and difficulties of marriage and divorce to suggest questions that may make a split more amicable, or even save the union.

Here are 11 of their ideas:. Colier said. If, for instance, one person expects the other to take the lead in managing finances, and he or she would prefer not loojing, problems can result. The Rev.

Kevin Wright, the minister of education at the Riverside Church in Manhattan, suggests this exercise: On one side of a sheet of paper or computer screen, make a list of what you think you need to do to save the marriage, and on Big guy looking 4 ms right 18 35 other side, what your spouse needs to do. And make sure your spouse does the same. Even if the answer is yes, divorce may still be the right path.

The Horny women Montpelier that divorce may be near often makes people feel like failures, Ms. Paris said.

Amatenstein said. There is so much that is going to change — and so much fear. Understand that you may find yourself paying bills or figuring out taxes for the first time in years.

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If there are children, who will take the lead in keeping track of their activities calendar? Understand that the problem may be you, not the huy marriage. If you are bored in a relationship, you may find yourself bored in another one, too, said Erika Doukas, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Manhattan and Larchmont, N.

If you quarrel with your spouse over whose relatives lkoking visit during the holidays, the same conflict may reappear in a subsequent marriage. Doukas said spouses who were able to realize that they contribute to marital problems could sometimes change course and possibly save a relationship or, failing that, make a future one more long lasting.

Here are 11 of their ideas: Have you made clear your concerns about the relationship?

Do you and your spouse have shared expectations about the roles you play in the relationship? If there is a way to save the marriage, what would it be?

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Would you really be happier without your partner? Do you still love him or her? What is your biggest fear in ending the relationship?

Are you letting the prospect of divorce ruin your self-image? How can a divorce be handled to minimize the harm on the children?

Are you prepared for the financial stresses divorce may bring? Am I ready to handle the day-to-day details of living that my spouse took care of?

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