A bittersweet dichotomy

Christmas Eve marked the two year anniversary of my Daddy’s passing.  Two years seems like a long time, but reliving the minutes and hours of that day still haunt me.  Thinking about all that I haven’t been able to share with him sometimes still brings me to big ugly-cry tears.  Christmas Eve is filled with such contradictory feelings.  So many beautiful memories over the years that are plagued with the black cloud of the worst day of my life.  A bittersweet dichotomy.

Despite the conflicting thoughts that run through my mind, I am still truly joyful this Christmas.  Peaceful even.  We went on with the usual family festivities to remember and celebrate Christmas.  The ones that are rooted in my childhood.  The ones my Daddy helped to create.  For the first time since he passed, I hosted Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with a truly peaceful heart.  I was able to enjoy the time spent with family.  I was able to genuinely reflect on all that Jesus has done for me.

Even still, there is a void without him here.  It stings less, but it’s always there.  I want so badly for my Daddy to have been here this year.  For him to see the twinkle in my children’s eyes.  To see everyone laughing.  Enjoying each other.  To see the love we have for each other.  The years and years of tradition.  The heritage that he left behind.

I sat a place for him at our dinner table this year, marked by one of his favorite hats.  Though I won’t see him again on this side of heaven, I can still honor his memory.  Love you always and forever, Daddy.


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